My father wasn’t a bad man; he was a man of his time. Men were the head of household and what they said was law. His opinions were set in stone and shared on many occasions; stories readily became lectures. 

I’m not sure where my dissension came from – I like to thank Sesame Street (but that’s another story).  While my father talked, even from a young age I can remember questioning in my head if what he was saying was true or accurate. I quickly learned that voicing a dissenting opinion wasn’t welcomed and was quickly shut down.

At a very early age I was conditioned to just nod and agree. I think to some degree, that trained me to stay quiet and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. 

Masks

It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized that my parents didn’t really know me.  I know they had some clue that I was rebellious (they called it stubborn) but for the most part, I think they assumed I was “one of them.”

In reality my inner landscape was much different from what was being projected. This exterior mask is what I wore to church, school and among our family and friends. It was only to a handful of close friends that I would share my true opinions.

There were times when I was in a room of family members and racial slurs were hurled, and not one adult would say, “that’s not acceptable” or even “we don’t say that” because the truth was they did. I didn’t speak up either and each time I kept my opinions to myself I found I felt smaller and angrier.

Not all bad

I have since come to the conclusion that the tactic that I had learned: “be agreeable” helped me to get through my youth and teen years without much strife.  I learned how to bide my time. When I attended college I found many more like-minded people and slowly learned how to voice my opinions.

Classes like Sociology or Constitutional Law gave me a safe platform to share my thoughts on the subjects discussed.

However over the years, I have pulled out and used the “be agreeable” lesson in my personal relationships and workplace. Sometimes it’s just better to bite your tongue.

Communication isn’t easy

There’s this dance each of us engages in when communicating where we evaluate what we are saying and how it will impact the other’s opinion of us as well as whether that even matters.

This mental work we employ (hopefully to our advantage) can be difficult during emotional times and unfortunately sometimes leads to blurting out statements we would have liked to filter.

Who really knows me

This continual curation of words I choose makes me wonder: who really knows me? When I think on it – that group of people is rather small: my children, my lover and a few select family members and friends.

It’s this thought process that is leading me to be more vocal of my opinions. Also, I’ve lived long enough to learn that my opinion matters and if a person doesn’t like what I have to say – I probably don’t need them in my life. Getting to this point could be because I feel safe; I have a job that sustains me financially, a cozy and comfortable home and loved ones that support me which allow me to take off the mask that I’ve worn so long.

Speak Up

The bird sitting on the receiver…. she hears you.  Even when the rest of the world is rushing by – your voice is heard.

Ultimately, I believe that speaking your mind helps you find a larger tribe of like-minded people. Through open communication you can weed out the people you don’t need in your life. Speak up. What you have to say has value and will be heard.