I’ve struggled with writing this post.  “Why”, you may ask?  Because some days I just can’t find clarity.  

Clarity is a clear impulse of where to go – of trusting the path.

Right Choices

I hate to admit it, but much of my life has been plagued by insecurities.  I think these insecurities hinge on the perpetual questioning of my decisions: Am I making the right choice? 

I have spent a lot of time trying to justify the decisions I’ve made.  Even after I’ve made a decision, I question whether it’s the right one.  It’s maddening.  There isn’t a subject matter that is exempt from this over analyzation: job choices, relationships (the worst), diet and exercise, finances – you name it, I have reason to believe I’ve made a mistake.

I moved to VA from upstate New York five years ago. That life, is so far in my background that the edges of my memories have become blurry and unfocused. Sometimes, I need a viewfinder to bring it into focus. To me, this isn’t a bad thing; I prefer to live a life looking forward with a strong emphasis on trying to stay in the present. 

People say, “Trust your gut.”  There’s this idea that we all carry a knowing deep within us… and if we just listen closely the answer will come. I think my gut is asleep or mute. Maybe it’s holding a grudge and refusing to talk to me.  The only time I can really hear it is when it craves chocolate and pizza.

Oh, I’ve tried meditation and praying, and there are moments where I feel like I’ve received some flash of insight. But, so far it has been ephemeral and is lost in the daily chaos that is life. 

No Changing the Past

Also, during emotional times there are moments of reflection where I can see the patterns and choices that have shaped who I am.   Some of my choices have caused a cascade of chain reactions I could never anticipate. I just have to accept my new reality and move on. I can’t go back and change the past, but I can learn from my choices and choose differently next time. 

What I love about this drawing: the Empire State Building (a symbol of NYC) is fuzzy, hazy in the background and the sparrow is looking in another direction – choosing a new path and a new focus. She knows that there’s a brighter future ahead. 

Maybe my gut is talking to me – because I have this feeling that I need to just trust that everything will work out.