I’ve been through some ups and downs over the years. Marriage and divorce were two bookends of a period that most people would consider a “normal” life. In the middle of those 20 years I helped raise 3 children and I lost two parents.
When you’re in the thick of things – living the day to day – well, I rarely had the time to reflect on what love meant, how I showed love to those around me, or how I demanded love from my relationships.
Demanding Love
The thought of demanding love seems counter-intuitive because “love” is a soft and mushy feeling- it makes us happy. The word, “demanding” on the other hand is hard and makes us want to slap somebody.
I am in no way a relationship expert. If you have time, I could give you a lengthy monologue detailing all the mistakes I’ve made in mine. If you need real relationship advice there are tons and tons of amazing writers out there that focus on relationship issues; people with degrees that produce research to back up their theses.
OK, that’s not me. My words of advice are from a survey of one: me. When I say “demanding love” in a relationship I’m really speaking about setting limits of expectation. For example:
- I expect my partner to be happy to see me
- I expect my partner to speak to me from a place of love
- I expect my children to show me I matter in their lives by staying connected
- I expect my friends and siblings to be supportive
I’m not saying that these things have to be shown on a daily basis; I don’t need my children to send me heart emojis on a daily basis. They show their love when they text me their important news or tag me in posts they think I’ll like and when we have time together they hug me and we have long talks – usually filled with laughter and joy. No, not a daily basis, but when you take the temperature of your relationship over time – weeks, months, and years – what is the average?
If this week your partner hasn’t shown their regard, support, concern or interest in you and what matters to you – what’s going on?
I think this evaluation is important. If your needs in the relationship aren’t being met, it’s time to evaluate the relationship. You have one life and it should be filled with people that are loving and supportive. Both you and your people should respect your time and love.
Temperature
All relationships run hot and cold. They have to. It’s common sense. If they run hot all the time, you burn up and if they are cold for too long, you freeze to death. There has to be a balance. However, I think in the direct middle of happy and sad lives, “Meh”.
Meh is not the state I want my relationships to be in. I’m aiming for something slightly warmer than that – 68-72 degrees seems comfortable in my house. 68-72 feels like home.
Relationships
If you take a minute to look through my drawings you’ll see that many are relationship related. I like to draw about the things that matter to me.
A few years ago I stumbled upon the artist Chiara Bautista. If you don’t know her work, I would suggest that you check it out – the themes and visuals always capture my imagination. But, what is most fascinating is how her personal life has impacted her art. According to this article Chiara’s work is influenced by “her out-of-this-world, romantic relationship with her muse, nicknamed Ilka, met online and never in real life (as far as we know).”
I love that. I connect to that.
My muse
I am also fortunate enough to have important people in my life that give me fodder for my drawings. People that spark my imagination. People that make me feel both the highs and the lows; the hot and cold moments with such amazing clarity. People that taught me what love is, what it isn’t, what forgiveness means, what yearning feels like, and even heartbreak.
These relationships have helped me clarify my expectations. As a result, I’ve created lines in the sand, a place that when the relationship passes that boundary – it no longer serves me. I’ve learned how to walk away and keep my dignity in tact.
Takeaways
Demand love. Respect yourself. Know your boundaries. Enforce them.
